Communist Poland was exceptionally good at making fun of secret police and egomaniacal leaders.

If my American friends need some good authoritarian jokes so that they can keep their spirits up for the long run I can suggest some!

@maldr0id yes please

One of my favourites would go something like this:

Stalin is receiving a military parade and tv is broadcasting the event live. A small child comes to him and goes: “uncle Stalin, do you have a candy for me?”

“Fuck off” says Stalin.

Broadcast cuts to the news commentator who says: “Comrade Stalin once again shows thoughtfulness and his forgiving spirit by letting the child leave the parade alive.”

@maldr0id

Every day a man comes to the news stand, buys a newspaper, glances at the front page and returns it.
One day the seller asks him what the deal is.
The man says "I'm looking for an obituary."

The seller chuckles and says "Obituaries are in the back."

"No, no" says the man "the one I'm waiting for will be on the front page."

@maldr0id

Keep them coming!

Did you see HBO's "Chernobyl"?

@Uair of course, I had to :)

Ok one more:

Secret police stops a young man.
- What’s your father’s name?
- Comrade Stalin
- What?
- Comrade Stalin is like a father to all of us, including me.
The policeman cannot say anything against that so he figured out he will approach this differently:
- What’s your mother’s name?
- Soviet Union.
- What?
- The Soviet Union is providing to all of us like a mother does to her child.

The policeman sees it doesn’t go anywhere so decided to ask instead:
- …and who would you like to be in the future, young comrade?
- An orphan.

@xenotrope every Soviet communist joke tells the truth and the only difference is that in reality you weren’t allowed to laugh

@maldr0id Joking about them won’t make them go away. Also, if I think they’re funny they may become more tolerable. I have no interest in tolerating the intolerable.

I’ll take the jokes anyway. This might take awhile to resolve 🤬

@oberstenzian they were intolerable in the communist Poland, people told jokes and they went away anyway :)

@maldr0id

I like the joke about the Soviet machine for cutting an apple into three pieces.

@Uair oh there are so many variations of it, I love the slightly ruder one ;)

@maldr0id

Do tell! I'm American. I'm fifty years old and just found "Roadside Picnic". I know nothing soviet.

@Uair sometimes it’s lost in translation but:

What doesn’t produce light and doesn’t fit into an ass?

A Soviet machine to light up the ass.

@maldr0id not exactly about police but this one is great(not sure how it'll translate though)

Pravda has a story about Stalin visiting the fields at the countryside:
- How are we doing, how are we doing? - asked Comrade Stalin, jokingly
- We're fine, we're fine - replied the workers, jokingly

@maldr0id @oberstenzian During last 10-15 years of communist Hungary there were some sanctioned comedians who could tell all the jokes about the system, allowing the people to get off some steam. The system still collapsed, and no one thinks of the comedians negatively. At that period the problem was not free speech as everyone knew things were shit (in part b/c of jokes that couldn't be controlled anyway) Problem was if you resisted, you could get shot.

@maldr0id I knew this one:

Two soldiers, at the border between Poland and the Soviet Union. They find a huge gold nugget which landed exactly on the border.

The Soviet soldier: "I tell you what comrade, let's take this nugget and divide it brotherly between the two off us"
The Polish soldier: "Yes, but let's do 50:50"

@ics @maldr0id Suddenly many foxes appear on the USSR border with Finland. Finnish border patrol asks: what’s going on? A fox says: they proclaimed all bears illegals. Patrol says: but you are foxes! - Do you think they care?

Or: Stalin says: I want a crocodile from this forest. KGB enters the forest and after 3 days they bring him a squirrel. Stalin says - this is a squirrel! And the squirrel screams: I am a crocodile, I am a crocodile!

@maldr0id these are hilarious.

@maldr0id Man hears a knock at the door, asks "who is it?"

"A friend, coming to visit!"

The man scowled, and answered "I don't think so, I think you should leave"

"But I am the Potato Man! I come to give you potatoes for your family."

At this, the man is suddenly ecstatic- they haven't had potatoes to eat for most of a week! So he flings open the door and it is the secret police

A guy gets caught writing "The president is an idiot" on a wall. The cop says, "We're booking you for treason".
"But sir, I meant the president of Germany!"
"Yeah, right. We know perfectly well which president is an idiot."

and:
at a busy intersection, a man is handing out leaflets. passers-by take it cautiously, but quickly put it in their pockets, move away, take it out to read, and indignantly return it. "there's nothing written here!" the man replies: "what is there to write? everything is clear anyway"

@kaced @maldr0id what would happen if in communist Poland we moved all Polish citizens' militants^1 to USSR?
.
.
.
IQ in both countries would rise

What doesn’t light up and doesn’t fit in the ass?



Soviet ass-lighting device

CC: @kaced@infosec.exchange @maldr0id@infosec.exchange

@patryk @wojciech @maldr0id this one raises more questions than it answers

@maldr0id I forget whether Poland liberated itself by force or if the Russians just gave up and left…

I’d prefer to kick our assholes out rather than wait for them to self destruct. That could take several more decades.

@oberstenzian Poland was a weird case, they didn’t leave and they weren’t kicked out either. I think that the best way to describe it is that they just had more pressing issues in the USSR (which Poland wasn’t technically a part of).